I watched a very powerful episode of "Louis Theroux’s called ‘Mothers on the Edge’ – busting the myths of postpartum psychosis", which highlighted "the difficult issues for women experiencing and recovering from postpartum psychosis". This brought back so many memories and was actually very difficult to watch because I related to it so much. I had sat in those rooms, being seen by those psychologists and nurses. It brings it all straight back.
After breaking down in a sleep course for babies with my first child (lack of sleep much!), Tresillian booked me straight in. Tresillian is amazing and helps so many mums and babies, but having anxiety from being away from home I knew I needed help in our house. We then had a wonderful baby consultant come to our house to help with our babies sleep. This was life changing to us and we actually used the same baby consultant with each child after that. She was such a wonderful support to us.
No body talks about what the outcomes are of ongoing sleepless nights, sick reflux babies, babies who never stop crying, babies who won't travel in a car, the stress, overwhelm, constant feelings of failure, societies pressures, the list goes on. No one talks about the mental load that comes with this, day after day, and the impact that has on what was once a clear and realistic mind. Your thoughts change, your behaviours change, your support changes, your relationships change and your health changes. In some cases so does your hope and clarity and the ability to be able to see things from the bright side. Most of the time I was blank, unfeeling, just numb and other wise I was crying, overwhelmed, stressed and I would snap at those I loved. Then you feel like the worst person, the worst mother. No one prepares you for this. You know you will be tired, but no one explains the depth of isolation for some, the sense of failure you feel from not being able to be the BEST mother, wife, housekeeper, friend, daughter, financial advisor, event coordinator, stocktaker, purchaser, first aid officer, homeschool teacher!, everything to everyone at every time. 24/7
Does this feeling of sadness, overwhelm and isolation mean you don't love your kids? Absolutely not.
Does it mean you can't be disappointed in their behaviour because you tried so hard to have them here in the first place? Not at all, we are teaching them to be good people!
Does it mean that you are not doing the best job that you can possibly do day in and day out even when you are at your lowest? No way, you still show up. Think about that. On your worst days you still got up and fed and clothed your children. You met their needs, again, before your own. Did you meet the ridiculously long list of things you had set out for yourself on your lowest day? Nope, because when it comes to the crunch and things are so hard, you still knew what mattered the most, just meeting the needs of you and your child. You were the supermum that still met her babies / children's needs even though you were so unwell.
The next time you think "I am the worst mum", "they deserve better", think about what you HAVE done for them and for your family that day. What have you achieved? Who are these little humans due to your constant care and support? What have THEY achieved from your care, your ongoing love and knowing you will always be there for them?
Then think, you are their support every day, who supports you? Learn to ask for help! Book in with the doctor, prioritise your health, get someone in to help around the house, ask the kids to pitch in, book the appointment you have been putting off, get the sleep consultant in, attend the parenting class, hire a tutor, read that book, do the online yoga. Support yourself so you can continue supporting them.
Ask. For. Help. Do not suffer in silence <3
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